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entry 16 // Feb 10, 2025

saw iron lung and LOVED it, oh my god. i don't care what anyone online is saying, it was a fantastic movie, a wonderful adaptation of the game. the cinematography was beautiful, the acting was amazing, everything was just awesome. i love simon, the convict, thr character that they'd created. he's so interesting! and the creature omgg i loved it. anyway. won't say anything else in case someone is reading this and doesn't wanna be spoiled.

other updates: might be able to get a job at a local library! i really hope i will, i've always wanted to work at a library. it's not guaranteed, some of the other options my career counsiler spoke of was the local historical society or maybe a car dealership. i would. prefer the historical society or the library, but i'll take what i can get. despite my love of crash, i don't actually know much about cars haha.

mentally i've been... weird. it's weird having some level of depression on zoloft. it's like i have all the same thoughts about how the world is falling apart and how my country is run by the most evil fuckers alive and how i'm just slowly falling apart physically and unable to do anything a normal person could do, and yet. there's like this giant wall preventing me from feeling the full scope of how horrible everything is. i don't know. it's useful, it keeps me from spiraling. still. it's hard trying to live my life and be happy when good things happen when every day i wake up to new news about how fucking terrifying everything is.

i've also stepped back from fandom almost entirely. i occasionally post my writing or art but that's about it. i don't interact, i put more effort into my ocs now and keep my fandom talk to my friends on discord. it sucks but it's healthier for me. blegh. anyway, that's all as far as i can think of. see ya later.

entry 15 // Jan 7, 2026

upped dose from 25 ng of both zoloft and pregabalin to 50 mg of both. one morning, one night. my body still hurts like hell. i've been having to do all the housework, since my roommate is almost never home and when they are, they're hiding away with their new boyfriend. it's killing me. i feel elderly, like my legs just dont want to work, and they hurt like hell. i haven't veen able to keep up with my physical therapy exercises, because it's either do our laundry, or do the exercises. fix the internet and wash the dishes and take out the trash, or do the exercises. build the furniture, feed myself, feed my cats, or do the exercises. i can't do both. i can barely do the things i need to do and my roommate still hasn't bought the shower curtain rod, so i'm having to bathe with the curtain kept up by tacks.

i feel old. in pain and lonely, watching my days go by between medication and doctor's appointments. i'm elderly with none of the experience of it. no work, no romance, my friendships all fade the second they find something better to do with their lives than entertain the guy who can't leave his house. my cats are the only reason i'm alive, i don't trust anyone else to care for or love them the way i do.

i'm sorry i'm always so depressing in these. i don't think anyone's reading them, but i still feel bad. i just... the world is ending. people are being disappeared, murdered, attacked. climate change is progressing and no one can focus on it because everyone is fucking dying. no one can afford to live a decent life anymore. and here i am, at the end of the fucking world, and all i've got to show for it is two bottles of pills, three cats, and some stupid fucking fanfiction nobody likes anyways.

i wanna burn it all. everything. i wanna wipe myself from everything and everyone and hide in a hole. i wanna crawl in someone's arms and have them hold me and tell me they love me and that none of this matters because they aren't going to leave me. i want to go outside and not be in pain and not be afraid. i want to exist. i don't want to exist. i don't know.

i have a lot of bad thoughts lately. but it's alright. the medicine's helping. i'm good at distracting myself.

goodnight.

entry 14 // Jan 10, 2026

started pregabalin/lyrica a bit ago and i think it's been helping a lot. i've been able to do more lately and generally make it to and from my bathroom without my cane, so that's pretty neat. i still get muscle/joint pain, but the nerve pain seems to be not as bad of an issue. i am ridiculously tired all the time, though. anything that causes strain, even the tiniest chore, makes me pass out for a couple of hours at best. it's probably because the combo of pregabalin + zoloft + chronic fatigue. you gain some, you lose some.

also, it's almost february. which means valentines day. funny enough, it's one of my favorite holidays- i love romaance and love and the genral hearts and flowers aesthetic of it. i know it's capitalist bs made to get you to spend money, but so is almost every goddamn american holiday. sue me. it does depress me that i'm gonna spend another year alone, though. it's hard to date when you can't leave your house because your body's broken and no one ever taught you how to drive. anyway. if there's a single butch/masc out there, i'm 24, nonbinary, and live my life like the crazy cat lady in children's cartoons except i also happen to draw ridiculous queer porn on occasion. hard launch for the guy who looks like salad fingers and the cinamini monster had a baby.

i'm SO excited for iron lung though. it did end up coming to my theater and i'm fucking pumped as shit! i'm saving some money so i can get some snacks while we're there too. it's gonna be awesome. also, trying to update this blog generally and not just to vent cause i dont wanna seem like a whiny asshole. so yeah, iron lung!

entry 13 // Jan 4, 2026

good news first: my doc is sending a referral out of state, so hopefully i'll be seen sooner. physical therapy is going okay, i think at the least i'm stronger and it kinda helps with fatigue? also, i got subnautica and have been playing it so so much, it's literally amazing. i love it. i'm pretty happy with my art right now, too. the rendering is going really well and i like the kinda vibe i've been going with it.

bad news: i've been stressed as shit. it's just been kinda one bad thing after the other lately. some drama with my best friend/roommate, my zoloft prescription being delayed, the house's heating is broken and i think the freezer isn't working right either. i'm also just... tired. i don't know. i wanna delete all my works and not be visible to anyone ever again. i feel like a freak everyone's just being nice to to be polite. i feel like people are probably making fun of me behind my back. it makes me sound like a dumb teenager.

winter sucks and i hate it. i wish i wasn't so alone. i wish i was someone's person, someone's most important person. i'm tired. i don't know.

entry 12 // Dec 23, 2025

omg nevermind suicide postponed it was the fucking pmdd again. i swear to god i forget it exists until suddenly boom i wanna put a gun in my mouth and then!! a week later im fine but bleeding and in pain. it should be illegal for a person to have this many things wrong with their body. anyways we're in the new place now wigggg!!

entry 11 // Dec 21, 2025

as i'm writing this, i can hear the upstairs neighbor's child having a temper tantrum. i think their parents locked them in their room and they're throwing and tearing everything up in there. i think the kid's been locked in there because they're a danger to their siblings. but listening to a child scream at the top of their lungs "i wanna get out" isn't exactly helping the panic attack i'm trying to stave off.

it's stupid. i should be happy. we're moving out of our shitty apartment, i'm gonna see my doctor next week, and even if it's going slow, the program helping me to find a job is moving forward. but i'm miserable. i've spent every single day of the past week thinking about killing myself. i don't even know why, i just feel terrible. my life is empty. i have one friend, and i'm watching them live their life and move on and i know eventually i'll be left behind already she tried asking me if she could move her boyfriend of (2) days into our new house. and i wanna be supportive and happy for her, but god. i'm sick of my friends getting into relationships and suddenly i come second to a guy they barely know. i have to sit here and feel like an ass because i dont want a stranger living in our house. she's already bringing him to sleep over which means i won't be sleeping because they'll be up being loud as shit all night.

and i sound like an asshole. i should be happy for her. but i'm not. i'm a miserable, sadsack who's body is falling apart, who can only look forward to the next doctor's appointment. i'm stuck in my stupid room, pretending i'm perfectly happy drawing and writing stupid shit all day long, with no connection to the outside world, trying not to be a jealous, bitter ass because my friend is happy and in a relationship while i've got my cane and my zoloft to keep me company. god i sound like such a dick.

entry 10 // Dec 9, 2025

my mental and phyiscal health are plummeting so fast i might just listen to my therapist and go to the hospital. woke up today and my left leg is in such severe pain i can't stand on it at all, and my whole thigh is on the verge of going completely numb. and i feel like i keep fucking everything up, i whine too much, i get attached too fast. i just wanna curl in a hole and never be seen again. the zoloft helps. i may want to cry but at least i'm not having panic attacks anymore.

we should be able to do laundry tomorrow, if i can stand, so that's nice. i'm really hoping iron lung comes to a theater near me, but i kinda doubt it will, and i have too much shame to call my local theater and ask them to show my Youtuber Movie. i've been playing with ocs, since i'm kinda bored of fandom right now. i feel really awkward and isolated. it's probably just me.

anyway. i'll update whether or not i end up annyong the local ER. i've got noone to talk to other than my therapist, but hey, at least i have my neocities page.

entry 9 // Dec 5, 2025

had an absolutely terrible day. it feels like every doctor i see doesnt have any fucking ears. "im in such severe pain and fatigue all the time that i cannot take care of myself some days and i cannot stand/walk without my cane." "ohhh, see, the reason for that is because you're in bed all day! exercise more sweetie :)" dude i just told you the reason i CAN'T exercise is because im literally losing sleep and not eating and not brushing my teeth or bathing because my body hurts so bad that i just CAN'T. i've done all your phyiscal therapy, i drink a bunch of water, i eat enough food, it's not helping!!!

if anything, i only feel worse now. im pretty concerned i've caused damage to my shoulder blade (which is both hypermobile and constantly irritated due to my scoliosis curve) due to having to rely on my cane all the time. i'm entirely housebound and sleep almost all day and do all the stuff doctors want me to do and it's still not enough and it's still somehow MY FAULT. every time. its like they're trying to gotcha me about pain and fatigue i've veen experiencing since i was 12 years old and participating in dance, aerobics, and regularly going to school events and gym classes.

i'm not active anymore because im IN PAIN and no one wants to help me beyond telling me to ~drink more water~ and ~go on walks~ and ~eat a healthy diet~. i'm so fucking exauhsted i just want to cry. this is why i stopped going to the doctor, they don't want to help, they just want to find little loopholes to try and blame me for the fact that my body doesn't work.

eugh. sorry. i know there probably isn't anyone reading this, but i still feel kinda bad about always being such a doomer asshole on here. we're moving to that house!! whoopie!!! hopefully we can get our security deposit back on this dumpsterfire of an apartment but i feel like they're not gonna hand it over. whatever. at least we'll be out of it.

entry 8 // Dec 1, 2025

oh my god???? OH MY GOD??? we might actually be able to afford to rent the house. holy shit. im literally begging for this to happen, i need to live somewhere where the doors actually work and i dont have to worry about noisy, shitty neighbors. it's so close to a grocery store, too, i wouldn't have to worry about delivery anymore, holy shit!!! im so fucking hyped. please, please let me get this house omg.

entry 7 // Nov 29, 2025

first, good updates. zoloft is now my best friend and i'd die for her. anxiety has never been more managable. we're gonna go look at a house tomorrow, though i doubt we'll be able to afford rent there.

okay now the bad stuff. my physical health has never been worse. i sleep almost all day and all night and it doesnt help at all with the fact that i feel exauhsted any time i do anything at all. pain is endless, using my legs feels like a nightmare, my back hurts all the time, my neck/head are impossible to deal with. my legs go numb with almost any use and my knees swell super easy too. i also can't get up from the ground as easily as i used to and have to use my cane around the apartment more often than not. because i sleep all the time, i get sleep inertia frequently and spend most of my days nauseous as hell.

i'm considering a wheelchair, but my apartment is probably the least accessible space to live in. it's just. so much to deal with. how am i supposed to get a job when i'm barely awake most days and can't even do light physical therapy without being sent into a flare up that leaves me bed ridden? oh, and we still haven't gotten any updates about the washers/driers in our buildings. so we're having to rewear dirty clothes regularly because we can't wash anything.

oh, and it's the holidays which means i have to buy presents because my roommate/bestie is a sweetheart who takes care of me and buys me stuff all the time but i can barely afford anything on disability money and my cat needs to go to the vet, but i can't afford to take him either. everything is terrible and even though the state i live in is probably the best for healthcare, living in america is just fucking awful. it isn't even living atp it's just surviving.

anyway. that's how im doing.

entry 6 // Nov 11, 2025

i feel absolutely horrible. not in a mental way, though the physical isn't exactly helping. i woke up today and was just, immediately tired like an hour after being awake. the tingling in my legs has been really bad since last night, but now they're really painful to stand on, and im so nauseous and generally just feel sick. like someone spun me a bunch, or like i walked around in the heat for too long. im dizzy, and i haven't even done anything today.

im recording all of this for my physical therapist. i also took pictures of how my legs and hands swell up when i stand for too long (which, too long can literally just be more than an hour for me. or just an hour. depending on how evil my body wants to be that day.) i'm supposed to be getting referred to a neurologist, since all my symptoms seem to be dysautonomia related, but that could take ages and i might have to be sent out of state for it.

im 24. i've never had a job. i've never had a long-term relationship. i have a single friend. i don't go outside. my life is empty and meaningless and im in pain more often than i'm not. i know im being a doomer, whatever, i just... im so lonely. i want to have a life. i want a boyfriend, i wanna go on dates, i wanna explore the world with my friend, i wanna go to concerts and earn my own money and live in a place where i actually have a door on my bedroom and the washing machines work. i wanna not be afraid to walk around outside, either because it'll cause me pain or because my stupid mental illness makes me think every stranger wants to hurt me.

it just isn't fair.

entry 5 // Nov 10, 2025

i was gonna update this on my birthday but i kept forgetting LMAO. im doing good! i had a fun time walking around the local strip mall with my bestie, we got food and whatnot. i can't tell if the zoloft is working or if i'm just in a good phase right now, but i think i've been doing pretty awesome emotionally. i got my cat some salmon oil to hopefully help with his overgrooming problem, too.

my therapist and i have been exploring IFS/internal family systems. i have pretty strong dissociative symptoms, to the degree that i had been misdiagnosed with DID in the past, so we're trying to approach the whole thing since i had an episode a bit ago. it's hard for me to explain, but i always kinda feel like less of a whole person, and during moments of stress or meltdowns, it's like i "shatter" and usually, i end up having to care after "the kid" who ends up in the front of my body. it's a weird experience. but i'm glad to be approaching it now that i'm doing better and can explain it in a way that isn't confusing as shit for everyone around me.

also noticed that my knees swell after activity. they don't get super stiff or anything, they just become painful and swell and get red and patchy. i'll have to show that to my physical therapist, since my roommate took a picture.

anyhow. hope you're having a good day, whoever it is that happens upon this blog. see ya.

entry 4 // Nov 2, 2025

i do not know WHAT is going on right now but i am having the absolute worst time emotionally. maybe it's the zoloft, maybe it's the hormone drop (going off testosterone, because the t-acne is too painful), maybe it's the time of year or the fact that the world is just downright evil. i don't know. i just feel terrible. im on the verge of tears all the time, anxious as shit, i can't focus on anything. all i want is someone to hug me and tell me they love me, but i dont really have anyone who can do that.

i can't get anything done because the anxiety is so bad that i just feel frozen. i want to hide and never be seen again. it's awful.

regardless, i'm starting to be able to draw and write again, which is nice. it's also my birthday soon so yay. i don't have the money to do almost anything, but another year has passed so, whoopie.

entry 3 // Oct 26, 2025

the thing about eating disorder recovery is that you're just going to be like this forever. i just have to ignore the little voice in my brain telling me "you're never going to be happy, you'll never find love, you're better off isolating and starving yourself until you die because at least then you'll have something to do to pass the time" every single day.

entry 2 // Oct 25, 2025

i am now on 25 mg of zoloft (one half pill morning, one half pill night). seems to be going okay, i dont have a whole lot of side effects anymore. the agoraphobia is kicking my ass, though, i cancelled a doctor's appointment because i couldn't stand the thought of being outside. it's really hard for me to explain, but my fear response is always to hide; if i dont feel safe, i hide. under the blankets, in my closet, etc. anywhere i can be where nobody can see. and the outside world isn't safe, especially not these days. i don't know how to convince myself to go outside when i'm so scared someone out there is going to hurt me.

regardless, i hope the zoloft is going to help. that and getting a job; im going through the "goodwill" program for disabled people. i know it isn't exactly talked about in the greatest light, but it's my only option. i'm also restarting physical therapy soon, so that's fun.

anyways. bye for now.

entry 1 // Oct 18, 2025

this is just kind of a "test entry". right now, i am messing around with this website, tired as fuck, in pain, and cold as balls. 'tis the season, but also my landlords need to turn on the heat, omfg. started zoloft yesterday- a half of the starting dose, because my body is ridiculously sensitive to ssris. im nauseous, but i can't tell if that's the zoloft, the nexplanon, or the cold. my body is an enigma. don't ask me to spell shit because spellcheck does NOT work when you're writing in code. god bless. anyway. i wanna go laydown and draw and i've got not a clue on what else to put here so. see ya.